


the Monster-in-Law

by the17thmuse



Series: Hatake Agricultural Adventures [16]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Cabbage patch babies, Gen, Itty Bitty Senju Flowerpot, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:46:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23253421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the17thmuse/pseuds/the17thmuse
Summary: (Follows "Knocked Up and About")How the Sakumo vs Chiyo Prank War Started
Series: Hatake Agricultural Adventures [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1487342
Comments: 16
Kudos: 41





	the Monster-in-Law

**Author's Note:**

> Follows "Knocked Up and About"

Kaiko stared. Opened her mouth. Closed it. Kaiko stared some more. Back at the cactus and then at Sakumo.

The Hatake had his head held in his hands, voice muffled. "Please, say something. Anything."

"How? How...?" 

Sakumo finally looked up and shrugged sheepishly. "I was very drunk and apparently thought it was a really great idea at the time?"

The kunoichi waved her hands at him as if that could expound on what she wasn't asking. "I mean, _how?_ "

"Kaiko-neesan!" came the falsely scandalized tone.

The Hatake kept an amused mask so thin Kaiko could see through it. She knew he could tell she knew, but Sakumo probably needed some pretense of control after all the stress he'd been going under. 

She said nothing. 

"What you're asking for is privy only to me and the Kazekage. I would not answer that any more than you would if I ever ask what _you've_ been up to with your husband."

Kaiko had to punch him in the shoulder after that, causing the silver-haired shinobi giggled hollowly.

"Sassy mutt," she muttered, using a tone that had always worked well in calming Chiyo's very terrified patients. "That is not what I am asking and you know it. What I meant is: how are we supposed to tell the Kazekage about...this?" She gestured at all of him, potted cactus included.

"I've been trying to work on that for months," the shinobi confessed. "And I still have no idea what to do beyond just popping in his room and saying 'Congratulations, I'm not-pregnant. But we're having a baby and it's a cactus.'"

The half-assed plan induced a snort out of her. "Yeah...no. That's an excellent way to get sent to _Medical T & I: Mental Health Division_." 

"Medical has a T & I Division?" Sakumo interjected. 

"Yes, we do, for the ticking time-bomb cases," replied Kaiko. And she groaned. "This is _way_ above my pay-grade."

"Hhmm-hm. I'm pretty sure I'd be dead soon either way," Sakumo cheerfully remarked. "I don't think Suna will be happy about this."

"The two Shukaku-anointed reproducing; never mind that they're both male—you _are_ male, right? Because there's this old rumor about Hatake gender that I still cannot wrap my head around but may actually prove to be true since I met you and—wait, don't answer that. I _don't_ want to know." She waved a hand away and continued, "Anyway, the people of Suna will have a party. It's the council and the elders we have to worry...about..." the brunette drifted off.

"Kaiko-san?"

Kaiko brightened, rivaling the sun (and the Shodaime) in sunniness so potent her companion's hackles automatically rose. (Sakumo had heard _hundreds_ of horror stories and he did not want anything to do with that particular expression.) "The elders, Sakumo! Chiyo-okasan can help us."

Sakumo paled even more. "No. No-no-no. Your mother-in-law hates me!" he whined in dismay. "Bring anyone else. Anyone else but _her_."

"Uh-uh." Grinning impishly, Kaiko charged her chakra strings and pounced. 

The silver-haired shinobi dodged to the side, but then went grey and swayed where he stood. Then he keeled over.

"Sakumo!"

The kunoichi did not hesitate for a split second. 

She dove for the flowerpot.

#

"I hate you," the Hatake mouthed venomously. "I hate you with all the combined heat of a thousand Uchiha glares."

Beside him, Kaiko gave a smug smile as she removed the chakra strings holding him in place. Chiyo stood on the other side, scanning the area around his abdomen with a glowing palm.

"Keep the hate coming, dog boy. You're several decades too young to even leave a dent on me." She slapped the shinobi upside the head.

"Ow, what the hell, Chiyo-obaasama?" Sakumo rubbed the spot. "That hurt."

"That will be a small pain compared to when I'm done with you. What have you been doing to yourself, brat? You were already as thin as my walking stick before. Just what did the Kazekage ever see in your skinny ass?"

"The Kazekage liked my skinny ass just fine," he retorted automatically, then abruptly stopped at Kaiko's exclamation of "Language! My son's here" and her hands covering said son's ears. The elder's raised eyebrow told him how unimpressed she was.

And because Sakumo can be a bit stubborn at times, he just had to add, "And I've had a few...difficult...weeks, is all."

"Ha, 'a few difficult weeks,' he says," Chiyo mocked. "Don't lie to me. Your coping mechanisms are shit. Look at yourself." The elder raised one of his delicate wrists, easily fitting in her grip. 

"When you're sad or distressed, you brood. And when you brood, you barely eat or sleep." She wagged a finger at his face. "Don't think I haven't been keeping tabs on you."

"You've been stalking me?" The Hatake looked horrified at the thought.

Chiyo snorted. "Me? Never. Harrumph. My precious grandson, on the other hand..." She brought Sasori to the front and ruffled his hair.

The boy removed the hands covering his ears and smiled. "Obaasan, Mama, did I do good?"

Kaiko smiled "You did very well. More than good, in fact."

"Such a perfect grandson," Chiyo crooned. "Here. Your sweets, as promised. I will show you my most prized puppets later."

Sakumo's wide-eyed look of betrayal was hilarious. "Sasori, my closest confidant, how could you? You were too young and cute for this world."

"I'm almost nine, Hatake-san" Sasori rolled his eyes in the exact stubborn way Sakumo still does when confronted with a Danzo-sensei or a Kagami-sensei lecture. (The Hatake gulped, not knowing whether to be proud or terrified of the murderous expression that appeared on Chiyo's face when she saw it.) "And you were getting sick and not doing anything about it. But you don't have to worry now. Obaasan is the best medic in Suna."

"And she is ordering you to fatten up and gain some weight again." Chiyo had Kaiko set a bowl of fruit broth in his hands. "Konoha's White Fang brought down by malnutrition? How ridiculous. Especially in your 'delicate' condition."

#

"You told her?" he hissed the moment the elder and the child left.

"What—no! I didn't have to tell her anything. Kaasan knows some clan bloodline-fuckery is going on, but she won't pry as long as it doesn't endanger anyone." Kaiko set the baby-cactus on his lap. "Did you know your chakra feels and behaves really weirdly? It's fascinating."

She turned to the Hatake but he didn't seem to be aware of her anymore.

"An involved third party. I wonder if that's how Shiso-obasan pulled it off..." Sakumo muttered to himself, looking at his bowl of broth thoughtfully.

"Hhm?" Kaiko tutted at the long face. "Oh, don't worry, Bloody Fang. Chiyo-kasan will take care of everything." She petted his hair, and Sakumo suddenly felt like a genin way in over his head. Again. But with no Nasu, Daizu, Kagami-sensei, any of his teammates or Danzo-sensei to help him out of trouble this time.

The shinobi reclined on the bed and grimaced, "That's exactly what I'm afraid of."

#

Meanwhile, grandmother and grandson were having their own conversation.

"Obaasan, what does 'pregnant' mean and why did Mama call Hatake-san that?" Sasori asked.

"When someone is 'pregnant', that means they are creating a baby and carrying them and feeding them using the 'mystical mother arts'," Chiyo explained gleefully.

"Ohhh..." the child scrunched his eyebrows. "That means that Hatake-san is going to be a kaasan?"

The elder cackled, "Absolutely."

Then something struck Sasori. "But if Hatake-san is the kaasan, then who is the tousan?

"That would be the Kazekage, Sasori-kun."

"Kazekage-sama is the tousan?" the boy cried out in excitement. "He's the strongest, so the baby is going to be strong too. Kazekage-sama must be so happy." 

Beside him, Chiyo huffed in amusement. Her grandson just made things a lot easier. Time to play it up. "Oh, my poor child. The Kazekage doesn't know—"

"NO!" Sasori wailed in dismay. "Hatake-san..."

"—hasn't told him yet. And it's such a tragedy." The elder continued, "Poor Hatake-san was afraid, having a baby even before marriage and all alone."

(Sakumo sneezed in his bed and shivered, feeling a sudden chill crawl up his spine.) 

She clasped her hands in great woe. "Well, we have to help Hatake-san and the baby, don't we Sasori-kun?"

"Yes, we must tell Kazekage-sama! He _has_ to marry Hatake-san and make him his wife," Sasori agreed enthusiastically.

Chiyo smiled. "Well, it's not polite to just barge in the Kazekage's office, Sasori-kun. I know just who to talk to first."

**Author's Note:**

>  **Warnings:** silliness, misunderstandings
> 
>  **Roster:**  
>  Satetsu no Kurogane (black steel of the iron sand) [砂鉄の黒鋼] - the Sandaime Kazekage  
> Kaiko (silkworm) [蚕] - Sasori's mother; a medi-nin  
> 


End file.
